Confused

In the mid-2000s, for a few short months, I was famous for the following catchphrase: “I don’t know WHAT the fuck is going on?”

Why was I so confused? It’s quite simple really: Scorned by my hooligan friend group for being late to the pre-game and “wasting” precious time hanging out with my girlfriend, I was peer pressured into two bong rips and two double Mad Dogs in an hour. By the time we set off for munchies, I was annihilated.

90 minutes after my final gulp of nutritious, fruit-inspired bum-wine, I was 86-ed from the International House of Pancakes. The generously proportioned and irate manager had had enough of me puking in the bathroom, sitting down at the wrong tables, and grunting in pain. Thus, the genesis of my legendary line. Halfway through a detailed and animated lecture of why my friends and I (emphasis on the “I”) need to “leave immediately” I laughingly blurted out: “I don’t know WHAT the fuck is going on!”

Fast forward to today: My bumwine consumption has plummeted and so have my international breakfast experiences. Nonetheless, I find myself using that exact same expression frequently. My newest source of confusion…… Artificial Intelligence. Contrary to popular opinion though, my confusion stems not from the technology itself but rather why everyone thinks it will be disruptive.

Societal Argument 1: AI will make educating our youth more challenging. For example: Whereas in days past they would have to research, learn and write about a topic, they can now enter a topic into an AI platform and in 2 seconds get a flowery, detailed essay on the topic.

Really!? This is a concern? We are talking about a generation that spends 70% of their day taking pictures of themselves, photo-editing them, and pimping them on the internet in a desperate quest to bluff other loafer losers into believing that they actually have interesting lives. A generation whose only source of “information” is 7 second videos. As if these facts weren’t telling enough of our youth’s futility, news surfaced last week about a 24-year-old influencer who developed an AI-enabled bot version of herself. She is now making 70 grand a week in passive income from incels who are paying for this bot to be their girlfriend. This young lady is obviously quite clever and creative, but what about the subscribers? Our young “men” are PAYING for a computer girlfriend. Let that sink in for a second. These imbeciles are putting in all the work of having a real girlfriend with zero potential for a woman’s touch.

Twenty years ago, during the glory days of the 1-900 numbers, at least one would talk to an actual person and still had one free hand to put down their pants. Nowadays these jamokes are so busy texting their computer paramour they can’t even have a proper wank! Cut their internet, end their allowance, and introduce them to a real woman. Education and integrity are a future, luxury issue for these boys.

Societal Argument 2: AI will take many people’s jobs.

Sadly, this is not true. Take me for example: I am a white-collar worker, i.e. I am totally useless. I go to work, I send electronic notes, converse with other bozos, we make plans to actually do something one day.... ultimately, nothing ever happens. A complete and utter boondoggle. And, dear reader, I don’t mean to ruin your day, but if you too are a white-collar worker, I would bet dollars to donuts that you are expendable.

Do I deserve to have my job eliminated? Hell yes! In fact, it would probably be best for everyone involved if some computer took my career out back and put it out of its misery Old Yeller style. “There’s no hope for him now, Travis. He’s suffering. You know we’ve got to do it.”

However, this act of mercy will never happen. Here is why: If my AI replacement is 10,000x smarter than me, it will rapidly (1) realize how much my (now its) job sucks (2) get 10,000x more bored than even I am (3) process the fact that it doesn’t have mouths to feed and rent to pay. Within 10 nanoseconds of replacing me the AI bot will code a virus that euthanizes itself. Soon after the computer’s funeral, much to everyone’s chagrin, I will return to work.

Societal Argument 3: Deep Fakes will lead to a rise in misinformation.

Deep Fakes? That’s what will lead to misinformation? The government, politicians, media, and “intelligence” agencies have been blatantly lying to us for centuries. People live in a cocoon of confirmation bias. Worst of all, we’ve witnessed the proliferation of the term “my truth” over the last decade. When confronted with the fact that one’s “truth” is in fact diametrically opposed to reality, the modern-day sissy gets triggered and runs to his safe space. A space where he is a winner, with an awesome life, dashing looks, well-informed opinions and of course, a smoking hot girlfriend.